7th October, 2010

Dear X,

So last I wrote, my mind was a trainwreck to say the least.. the next day the big boss didn't come to work. So I managed to finish as much as I could. Today of course he shows. I don't know what it is about that man that absolutely terrifies me. I think it's the fact that I've seen him mercilessly tear down a grown man, well several grown men without even flinching. To imagine that kind of verbal massacre well it's almost unimaginable..if that makes any sense. I guess its a fear that everybody will find out what an absolute fraud I am being there, saying things, going through the motions. I mean really, who the hell am I? Did you ever go through that?

It's so absurd one of the most absurd things I've done to actually fake believe I'm good at this job or people should listen to me. But I suppose.. if I can't believe myself, no one else will. I know right, cue the Disney soundtrack.

So here I am, it's 11:47, and I'm still working on this damn project. Goddamn. I'm taking it slow, no more panic attacks. No point paralyzing, I need to prove myself and it's perfectly set up for me to be able to do it. ...I just have to, you know, do it.

Okay enough work talk, there's this conference on human rights and transient workers. It's a bit odd this whole work life, city life stuff. In college, a conference like this would've had 1,000 plus supposed attendees on facebook. Now, I can't even think of a single person that would be interested in something like this. I guess that's what we learn right? College was this absolute bubble with people who more or less care about the things you do and have the time to show it. Anyway, I'm still going to go - I don't know if its my boyfriend's kind of thing.. Honestly I'm scared to ask him and find out the answer. Sometimes, the intellectual divide between him and I are laughable. Obviously, not in that way but I mean he doens't really care about the things I care about, and the same for me. Yeah, thanks for making me still compare people to you.. and by people we know I mean guys. Still, he's a brilliant guy, I guess in a million ways you weren't.

OK, I'm off-- until then. I'm reading this pretty cool book untapped oil in Africa-- will tell you about later.