Dear X,
Thank God its Friday. It's no wonder the bloody grease infested chain is a worlwide phenomena. Thank. God (or whatever Supreme Entity). Its. Friday. Despite the relief of the glorious coming of the weekend, something irkesome still happened at work. I unloaded to a friend, who kindly lent her ear to my "is this really what working world is like!?!!?" bemoaning.
So X, tell me what was your story about being the lowest end of the totem pole and used as target practice? Don't tell me you didn't experience it..
The worse part about this absurd situation is that I should be the ''bigger person'' to someone 15 years my senior? And what do I hear and read? " Don't take things personally / its all about stroking their egos / you just have to take care of yourself out there". Great. I love growing up so very much!
As I step back and see this entire process unravel before me, a cynicism towards 'The Corporation' naturally develops. A cynicism that guards you and rightly allows you to move on and, deal. Still, still it must be the Generation Y in me, that questions this cynicism and demands why we're not allowed to give a damn. My friend said I should address this person and tell them "how their...'feedback' affected me". Yes, to the person 15 years my senior, to the person who took offense for not ''involving'' them in process. Luckily my friend is going to help me write something, "to address the matter, maturely and BE that bigger person".
Cheers to growing up.
Until a less dreadful letter,
Me
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Thursday, 7 October 2010
7th October, 2010
Dear X,
So last I wrote, my mind was a trainwreck to say the least.. the next day the big boss didn't come to work. So I managed to finish as much as I could. Today of course he shows. I don't know what it is about that man that absolutely terrifies me. I think it's the fact that I've seen him mercilessly tear down a grown man, well several grown men without even flinching. To imagine that kind of verbal massacre well it's almost unimaginable..if that makes any sense. I guess its a fear that everybody will find out what an absolute fraud I am being there, saying things, going through the motions. I mean really, who the hell am I? Did you ever go through that?
It's so absurd one of the most absurd things I've done to actually fake believe I'm good at this job or people should listen to me. But I suppose.. if I can't believe myself, no one else will. I know right, cue the Disney soundtrack.
So here I am, it's 11:47, and I'm still working on this damn project. Goddamn. I'm taking it slow, no more panic attacks. No point paralyzing, I need to prove myself and it's perfectly set up for me to be able to do it. ...I just have to, you know, do it.
Okay enough work talk, there's this conference on human rights and transient workers. It's a bit odd this whole work life, city life stuff. In college, a conference like this would've had 1,000 plus supposed attendees on facebook. Now, I can't even think of a single person that would be interested in something like this. I guess that's what we learn right? College was this absolute bubble with people who more or less care about the things you do and have the time to show it. Anyway, I'm still going to go - I don't know if its my boyfriend's kind of thing.. Honestly I'm scared to ask him and find out the answer. Sometimes, the intellectual divide between him and I are laughable. Obviously, not in that way but I mean he doens't really care about the things I care about, and the same for me. Yeah, thanks for making me still compare people to you.. and by people we know I mean guys. Still, he's a brilliant guy, I guess in a million ways you weren't.
OK, I'm off-- until then. I'm reading this pretty cool book untapped oil in Africa-- will tell you about later.
So last I wrote, my mind was a trainwreck to say the least.. the next day the big boss didn't come to work. So I managed to finish as much as I could. Today of course he shows. I don't know what it is about that man that absolutely terrifies me. I think it's the fact that I've seen him mercilessly tear down a grown man, well several grown men without even flinching. To imagine that kind of verbal massacre well it's almost unimaginable..if that makes any sense. I guess its a fear that everybody will find out what an absolute fraud I am being there, saying things, going through the motions. I mean really, who the hell am I? Did you ever go through that?
It's so absurd one of the most absurd things I've done to actually fake believe I'm good at this job or people should listen to me. But I suppose.. if I can't believe myself, no one else will. I know right, cue the Disney soundtrack.
So here I am, it's 11:47, and I'm still working on this damn project. Goddamn. I'm taking it slow, no more panic attacks. No point paralyzing, I need to prove myself and it's perfectly set up for me to be able to do it. ...I just have to, you know, do it.
Okay enough work talk, there's this conference on human rights and transient workers. It's a bit odd this whole work life, city life stuff. In college, a conference like this would've had 1,000 plus supposed attendees on facebook. Now, I can't even think of a single person that would be interested in something like this. I guess that's what we learn right? College was this absolute bubble with people who more or less care about the things you do and have the time to show it. Anyway, I'm still going to go - I don't know if its my boyfriend's kind of thing.. Honestly I'm scared to ask him and find out the answer. Sometimes, the intellectual divide between him and I are laughable. Obviously, not in that way but I mean he doens't really care about the things I care about, and the same for me. Yeah, thanks for making me still compare people to you.. and by people we know I mean guys. Still, he's a brilliant guy, I guess in a million ways you weren't.
OK, I'm off-- until then. I'm reading this pretty cool book untapped oil in Africa-- will tell you about later.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
5th October, 2010
Dear X,
I looked through your email for the first time in four years? I'm going through major crisis mode right now and as usual, I think of you. So if we were still talking this is what I would say:
I get what you mean by the whole transition between student and work life. It's been a year since I started 'work life', and I'm still transitioning...did that happen to you? All I've strived for all year was to be recognized and taken seriously. God gives what we ask for I suppose-- I have more responsibility than I can fathom. Tomorrow is the deadline for this project that I've been working on and its pages and pages of endless guidelines, processes, etc. But as I finish one section another seems to come up with more gaps for me to fill up. Its 11 at night, the big boss said in his ever ominous voice "you have till Wednesday". I guess Tuesday night (being now) is going to be one hell of a long night.
Every time I go through a moment where I'm confronted with an overwhelming obstacle, I remember this nickelodeon blurb about science and our bodies. When we are confronted by this sensation of fear- the body either goes into fight or flee mode. I guess my anxious overachieving self does a disgusting mix of both. Instinctively I want to flee, but self-deprecation ensues and I realize for the sake of 'learning/living' or whatever garbage we tell ourselves, I fight as well. The physical reaction to that seems to be heart palpitations, sweaty palms, deep anxious breathing, and my stomach doing the twisty-turnies.
I'm slowly working on this project, but the fear of not completing and being yelled at just paralyzes me to no end. I actually talked to my boyfriend about the stuff I have to do...you know morselizing things..and it's working I think. It doesn't seem too daunting. I'm still going to need loads of coffee tomorrow though.. yeah, I started drinking coffee- you probably don't remember, but I didn't drink coffee..I can take it now..actually I used to be a barista back at school.
Ok, this is sounding like rambling..anyway I wanted to ''tell'' you, I have a feeling I'll experience a lot of what you experienced. Maybe one day by some freak of nature, we'll meet and I can actually tell you all about it.
Until then.
Me
I looked through your email for the first time in four years? I'm going through major crisis mode right now and as usual, I think of you. So if we were still talking this is what I would say:
I get what you mean by the whole transition between student and work life. It's been a year since I started 'work life', and I'm still transitioning...did that happen to you? All I've strived for all year was to be recognized and taken seriously. God gives what we ask for I suppose-- I have more responsibility than I can fathom. Tomorrow is the deadline for this project that I've been working on and its pages and pages of endless guidelines, processes, etc. But as I finish one section another seems to come up with more gaps for me to fill up. Its 11 at night, the big boss said in his ever ominous voice "you have till Wednesday". I guess Tuesday night (being now) is going to be one hell of a long night.
Every time I go through a moment where I'm confronted with an overwhelming obstacle, I remember this nickelodeon blurb about science and our bodies. When we are confronted by this sensation of fear- the body either goes into fight or flee mode. I guess my anxious overachieving self does a disgusting mix of both. Instinctively I want to flee, but self-deprecation ensues and I realize for the sake of 'learning/living' or whatever garbage we tell ourselves, I fight as well. The physical reaction to that seems to be heart palpitations, sweaty palms, deep anxious breathing, and my stomach doing the twisty-turnies.
I'm slowly working on this project, but the fear of not completing and being yelled at just paralyzes me to no end. I actually talked to my boyfriend about the stuff I have to do...you know morselizing things..and it's working I think. It doesn't seem too daunting. I'm still going to need loads of coffee tomorrow though.. yeah, I started drinking coffee- you probably don't remember, but I didn't drink coffee..I can take it now..actually I used to be a barista back at school.
Ok, this is sounding like rambling..anyway I wanted to ''tell'' you, I have a feeling I'll experience a lot of what you experienced. Maybe one day by some freak of nature, we'll meet and I can actually tell you all about it.
Until then.
Me
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